I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I take back everything I said about communal showers
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
