just come out here and I will go home with you...
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
