I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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