8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
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