I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
