She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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