I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
