genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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