i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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