i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
