I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
