I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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