You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
