Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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