Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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