Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
