Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Randomize
