mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
