your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize