Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
