How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
