This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize