Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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