Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
