I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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