Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize