I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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