I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
