when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Randomize
