My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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