careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
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