I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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