he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
