Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
