Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
