I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
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