shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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