We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Randomize
