All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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