Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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