i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
