Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
