You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
