Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
