Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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