I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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