Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
