we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
