Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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