oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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