I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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