The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
