I think my fart just growled at me.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
