Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
