One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
