Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
