guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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