It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
