I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
how does that bad decision feel?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
