dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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