My cat gives me a boner
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
