So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
