I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
