then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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