Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
